Thursday, October 8, 2009

This is Not a Blog.

I am kind of going out on a limb here. I hope noone finds my words too foolish, but I guess that is life. "What have I got to lose" in expressing all this anyway. I would absolutely love to hear some words of wisdom if you should have any to offer. I am always up for a hearty discussion. I advise you to read with patience and an open mind. My mind is confusing, and it gets worse when put to paper. Good luck.

A couple days ago, sadness struck. And it struck hard. I wanted a hug. A hug from a certain Someone. A certain Someone of the very few Someones who try to understand what really goes on in my warped little brain. I wanted so badly to curl up in the arms of Someone so I could cry for fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes to express myself--in English. I thought I needed those fifteen minutes of weakness until I sat teary-eyed through two depressing hours of class the next morning. It was then that I started writing(expressing my Self in English!), and I am not sure how I ended up with all of the following, but it just kind of happened.

In my sadness, I decided I did not need that love. I thought, "love is weak." If all I crave is that physical hug--that moment of weakness--then I do not need that love. That weakness that is love would only prevent me from accomplishing what I came to accomplish. Isn't love supposed to strengthen two people? That's how I always envisioned it. But then, this vision is coming from a girl who has never been in a relationship, been kissed, or been loved(by another boy of similar age, mind you, Mother), so how could my vision possibly be correct? Well, it probably isn't correct, but who defines 'correct' in today's goofy world?

So here I am, a romantic yet loveless girl, thinking way too much about love. I asked myself, what if 'soul mates' don't exist? I mean this in the non-cheesy way, of course. Why should two people stay together until their death? I will gladly claim the following and, in turn, accept any criticism you all may have to offer: No two people, as a faithful couple, can remain together for the entirety of their lives in complete bliss. No way. When I get annoyed with a friend, I can take a different direction and forget about that annoyance. And I can always return later to that friendship acting as though such an annoyance never happened. A day to clear my head. A break. We all need that sometimes, right? So why in Mother Earth's Name would we want to commit to a marriage?! I can't imagine telling someone I want to spend the rest of my life with them and truly meaning it. Seems like a pretty hefty promise to me. No breaks for a fracken eternity?! Well, if you think about it, what was that 'break' really from in the first place? A break from working on a relationship? A break from putting up with something I didn't try hard enough to understand? A break from growing as a person? What?

I once thought I would be a better person if I stood with the support of just my own two feet. Why not be a strong person without all those weakening hugs I always seem to want? Why not 'take a break' from all those little annoyances in my life? Annoyances cause stress, right? WRONG! I am the cause of my own stress. My weakness lies in failing to understand the annoyances, and from my weakness grows stress. So maybe we need to promise our commitment to another person. Maybe we need to work through those annoyances.

I have lived eighteen years under my parents' roof, and with that I have also been able to watch their marriage and life together from an outsider's perspective. If I could graph their life together with a scale of sadness to happiness, there would be many peaks and valleys. I have witnessed their good times and bad times--both together and as individuals. From my observance of their lives, I have proof that "annoyances" and unhappy times in a marriage can in fact lead to happiness. Maybe, in the end, a relationship with a rocky road is the best kind. Maybe, with all that struggling you both do grow stronger in the end. Maybe you can have the best of both worlds--weak moments with an occasional hug, and, after having worked through those weak moments, strength. Together.

I could choose to go through my life alone and strong, but maybe we really do need that hug--that 'weakness' that isn't really a weakness in the end. Or maybe we actually grow through a lifetime of 'weakness' only to learn in the end that we could, in fact, have been strong on our own. I don't know. But then, atleast you will have learned that lesson with someone at your side as opposed to only thinking you might know the lesson from the start and going through life alone. Someone to "witness your existence." "Happiness is best when shared." Happiness sucks when no one else is there to feel it with you. I say that from experience. Lots of experience. Maybe you just gotta go through the whole long cycle. Maybe that's how we get through life without being bored. We gotta work on our character. We gotta try to be better people. Why not complete that hard task with someone at your side to help you learn in ways you never even imagined?

I definitely don't think any two people are perfect for each other. I think people gotta work really hard to make their lives work together. I have friends--each with certain qualities I have come to adore. If I could put all those qualities into one body, I would not love that body. There would be no flaws for me to hate. Nothing to change. Nothing to work on. Nothing to get me through life's tedium. We need 'flaws'--if that's what you choose to call them. Those 'flaws' are the building blocks whose presence we must not just knock out of our way, but rather work around and adapt to. Flaws are Goodness in Disguise.

I am not saying I want to get married any time soon. Heck, I am not even saying I am in love. I was just sad in loneliness, and on such a down day my mind searches for inspiration. My romantic personality finds inspiration in love. All kinds of love. I don't know why inspiration is more easily found in sadness than in happiness, but that is how I function. I am a thinker.

So this is where I begin wrapping things up. As the romantic and dramatic young woman we now all know I am, we realize that I love to love. I am about as emotional as they come. In many cases, I am offended far too easily. In other cases, I don't let a silly offense get in my way. Taking care of people delights me. Random acts of Kindness inspire me. On the other hand, I am equally good at being mean. I have a way with words when I am angry, and they can really damage a person's livelihood. They have damaged a person. Many. Do I like all this about myself? Ya. I think I really do for the most part. I let my passions lead me. Everything I do is sincere. Am I sincere when I talk down someone's esteem? Well, my anger and pain are sincere, and I wouldn't feel them so strongly if I didn't really love the person toward whom the words were directed. I can always change the way I deal with those feelings. Thankfully, I have. My passion--my 'flaw'--is a building block I have used to my advantage. I learned how to become a better person by realizing and working with my 'flaw.' My passion. I can't change the feelings. Only how I react to them. I am passionate. Dramatic. Inspired by love and its many forms. War and death really put a damper on my delight, and I truly believe in the power of "love, love love." The Beatles were on to something.

So perhaps all that is why I am so impassioned on the subject of love. When I love and hate(which is really just another form of love), I do it with passion. I don't think many people love in the same way I do. People love in different ways. Ways I don't understand. Ways I haven't felt before. I am just too sentimental and self-absorbed to recognize these forms of love. I know I am. I am too much of a stubborn ass to appreciate love even when I DO recognize it. For example, a prayer. When someone tells me they will pray for me, I honestly get a little annoyed, but I know now what they mean. That is how they love. How they feel it. I get so giddy when I do something sentimental for someone, but sometimes that person doesn't seem to understand it. And if they do understand it, sometimes they don't seem to appreciate it. I think, maybe, this is because people really do love in different ways. If one has never expressed their love in a manner similar to mine, how could they understand it? So now, through understanding, I can appreciate the love, power, and feeling behind a prayer and other forms of love. I can recognize other forms of love now, and I won't get too hung up when a receiver of my sentimental rewards is a little confused.

So, I can't have that hug, but I can keep on spreading the love I have to give. I thrive on that. I decided that a hug can make a couple strong. In the end. But I am not A Couple. I am A Lone. This year is one big exercise for my Way of Being. I have to find the strength to be strong on my own, because no matter how bad I want a hug from that Someone that understands me, Someone will not ge able to fly to Bolivia and hug me. Even if Someone wanted to do so. I gotta tough it out and learn a lot about myself. I have to love myself before I can love another. I have my own life to live, and if I haven't figured out my own life, why waste time trying to figure out someone else's?

So that's all I got. That's me. Though I was pretty sad, I am now ecstatic. I found creative inspiration in my sadness. Anyone who has ever been lucky enough to feel that will understand me right now. It is sad to think that many people have never felt so. Either way, I am happy now. I can't stop buying myself flowers in the market and walking alone down the streets with a certain sense of happiness and bounce to my step. Inspiration hits and it just sets me off. Without access to the artistic materials I desire, I have resorted to writing for the expression of my inspiration.

Happy day to all.


  1. Hayley, even when you are so far away you continue to inspire me. First of all, I'm sending you a virtual hug <(0.0)> lol. And second, everything thing you said makes sense. Even though I may not agree with a couple of things I can see why you think that way and I love you for it. Ugh I wish you were back here so I could talk to you more about it. Anyways, I love you Hayley! You were always like a wise older sister to me and I miss that. <3
    Emily W.

  2. Hayley, I think Emily said it all. What you said does make sense, and I understand what you mean. I know that you're somewhere with no one that speaks English, but sometimes I feel as if no one understands me. They don't hear what I really mean or what I am yearning for.
    I, too, am sending yuo a hug. HHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
    That probably looks retarded, but who cares. It's the thought that counts, isn't it?
    Hayley, you've always been an inspiring person. I remember the first time I sort of met you-it was when you were in 8th grade and I was in 7th. We were on our way back from SWIBA tryouts, and you decided to sit with us little 7th graders(I think it was Cody, Cory, and I). The 8th graders yelled for you to join them and you were like no! I'm going to sit with these guys! I loved you for that Hayley. I was the only kid from Schleswig trying out and I had to ride with a bus full of Denison kids that I didn't know at the time; you made me feel like I actually wasn't an awkward turkey in the middle of the group. You made me feel like I fit in. And when I got to know you in high school, you were even more amazing. Hayley, you're freaking awesome!!
    Love you lots!!
    Oh. I think I might try out for SWIBA on tympani.

  3. HAYLEY!!!!
    ok. you remember the great times we had in early bird pe, right??? well, we play a weekly game of eclipse ball. I suck majorly at returning the ball, so I often say SHOOT! or SHIT!!
    Well, two days ago Mr. Brincks heard me and was like "What was that?"
    It reminded me of how you always cussed and he just warned you.
    I need to watch my tongue.
    I LOVE HAYLEY NELSON!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Abandonment of ego will help you go far in your journey.

  5. So here I am bawling for the second time this weekend. Thanks. But I remember trying to hug you in band randomly all the time last year and you would just stare at me like a a frickin reatard or something. You must be changing ... And when you left for Bolivia ... When we said our Goodbyes in the high school parking lot ... you gave me an amazing genuine hug! And then you said "I love you" in a non-lesbian way and it meant so much . you caught me off gaurd at first because I never thought I would hear those words from your mouth. But I did. And then there is this quote that I jotted down in your house while you were peeing. "Don't attatch yourself to anyone that shows you the least but of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space." -Hayley Nelson I guess you've been doing some major changes lately and who knows ... maybe you will actually be my girlfriend someday.


    But anyways, story. So friday was our last home game and it was the last time I ever marched on the field with my drum in high school. I couldn't stop crying from the time we marched on the field to when I went to sleep. Hayley, it was bad. I was bawling so hard that I couldn't even sing "cat-dog" on my way back in the yellow truck. It sucked so bad. After the last last song I turned to Cory and was just like "We are done, Cory." And im pretty sure he was crying too. Everyone looked at me like a fucktard but you know what? I love marching band and will miss is dearly.

    But thats how my life is right now. LOL. LOVE and miss you,


  6. Hayley Nelson,
    Happiness is best when shared. And the people you share it with will knock you on your ass and make you feel the loneliness all over again, but damn it, it's all worth it. The ride is worth the crash. Love life, and when you get back, we'll watch Alaska and have deep existential conversations on philosophy and love and the essance of human life. Until then, I guess I'll just have to start brewing over this engrossing subject. I have a book called "The Art of Loving" that I have to read for my seminar. It's might like it. Maybe not. Idk, who cares, you should read it anyway. :)
    Thinking of you,
    Sarah Chandler.

  7. Hayley!! Just so you know I've taken over your post of bass player on keyboard in Jazz II!!!! I hope you're proud!!!

    ~Hayley's Stalker!!!! >.>

  8. I want you back! ishababa!

    Love you!
    o, and here's a hug! HUG
    O,and quick story, got a hug from some girl I've only seen once a week for two months. Just came up to me and siad I want a hug, and I was like hell yes me too, and so we hugged.

    well yea that would be the story.

    Love you and want you back so I can hug you and see you and have Hayley again.

    Love you!


  9. Hayley, Emily, Summer, Sarah, and Shelbi-I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!
    You are all such freaking awesome people. You understand what we mean to say. we all know how the other person feels.
    Love you all!!

  10. this post kind of makes me angry.